4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
