oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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