You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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