My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Two words: blizzard sex
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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