There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
