dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize
