dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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