Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
