I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
