The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
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I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
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Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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