You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
