that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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