Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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