The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
