he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
