He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Let's get the cat blown out
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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