Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
