I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
