At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You need Xanax blowdarts
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
