I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
