Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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