Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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