sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
