How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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