Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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