if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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