Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
