Who wears a wallet chain?!
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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