my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
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