Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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