i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
