I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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