i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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