Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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