there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
