I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
