Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
