I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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