I am in a vortex of obligation.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
