Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
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his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
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You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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