I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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