I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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