somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
