I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
