im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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