That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?