i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
