i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
