Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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