thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
