Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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