Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
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I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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