I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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