If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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