im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
We are all done wearing pants today
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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