youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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