somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
