stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
