I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
