i need an iv and a liver transplant
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
