my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
third nipple confirmed
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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