I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
